Ten Reasons Your Bridesmaids Secretly Hate You…

I’ve never been a bridesmaid, thank God for that. And thank God for the fact that brides can be such a royal pain in the ass to deal with, because when the actual wedding occurs, bridesmaids are so stressed out that even my friends who never, ever, get any action, have a legitimate chance at seeing a naked girl.

As great as that is for my buddies, I still feel I need to intervene. I’m going to tell you the top ten reasons your bridesmaids secretly hate you. This is straight from the horse’s mouth, and you should listen to me because it’s the one day of your life that you can’t do over. Also, you should ask yourself why you’d let your girlfriends who resemble horses sit at the head table? They belong at table nine in the back, the one on the left, not the right, near the children… remember dear, wedding pictures are forever. So in no particular order:

1.Destination weddings are awful.

The only person who truly enjoys destination weddings is the bride. The rest of us just make the best of it. Why would you ever think that anyone would want to be on a vacation with strangers? All you’re really doing is taking up everyone’s precious vacation days to go all the way to a place that’s tropical, just so that I can end up eating chicken or steak anyway. I could have done that in Charlotte and not had to use four days of my vacation for what should have been just a six-hour event. If it’s not on a yacht or in a castle you’re wasting everyone’s time.

     2.Shoes, dresses and alterations.

First of all, if your photographer is taking pictures of feet, you really need to Google him for priors. Shoes don’t matter enough to force your girls to spend over a hundred and seventy dollars for a pair that they’ll never wear again. Jessica Simpson’s line is beautiful, affordable and wearable. Pick out shoes that someone will actually want to wear again.

Now the dresses are another whole deal all together. Simple rules, although you may think that your wedding is the most important one of all your friend’s lives, it’s not the only one that they’re attending this year. Picking an expensive dress is selfish. The dress should be comfortable; it’s a party, not a gala at the White House. Also, girls are shaped different. Some of your bridesmaids do yoga and some have back fat. If you put a back fat girl in a strapless, I will say it for her… you’re a bitch. Think about it before you go with the sea foam and dress your friends up like mermaids. Now as far as alterations go, why do brides never remember the last wedding they were in? Getting alterations sucks and is expensive. If you pick an ugly or expensive dress, then you should offer to pay for alterations.

     3.You’re getting married on a holiday or a Friday.

This is a huge pain in the ass. 4^th of July, New Years Eve, Thanksgiving weekend? Honestly, how much attention do you need? Your wedding is so special that it trumps America’s birthday? I’m telling you right now that nobody wants to be there on a holiday! Fridays are only slightly better, but still a complete clusterfuck. First, bridesmaids have to take off on Thursday for the rehearsal dinner, and then again on Friday for the wedding. It’s two days off of work for your one day wedding? Do the math. Don’t inconvenience your friends who are doing you the huge favor of standing up. Weekend weddings are way less stressful for people with real jobs!

It may seem easy to take off work, but remember, you’re the actual bride, groups of girls all get married around the same time, so your bridesmaids may end up having several different weddings to attend in the same year; it’s not easy to get off work the fifth or sixth time, be considerate of this.

4.Cash bars are tacky.

If you really can’t afford to pay for the liquor at your reception then you should just do kegs. Seriously. Having kegs of beer is less tacky than charging your fucking guests. No matter how much planning goes into it, I promise you that your reception is just like everyone else’s… fun with alcohol, amazing with free alcohol! Don’t skimp on the liquor… ever.

     5.Hair, make-up, nails and tanning.

I understand wanting your wedding to be exactly the way that you’ve dreamed it up since you were five-years-old but if you’re not offering to pay for their hair and make-up, where do you get off demanding anything?

Someone explain to me please, why do brides suddenly turn into the mothers of Georgia pageant girls when it’s time for their own weddings?

“We need to all be the same color orange, of course, and your nails should look like this, your make-up like that, and your hair like however the fuck I tell YOU TO BECAUSE I’M YOUR MOTHER, NOW GET YOUR LITTLE FOUR-YEAR-OLD BONEY ASS OUT THERE ON THAT STAGE RIGHT NOW AND WIN US THAT GOD DAMN TROPHY AND CHICK-FIL-A GIFT CARD!!!!”

6.Your wedding is at noon and the reception is at seven?

Thanks, we really didn’t have anything to do today anyway. Bridesmaids love having just enough time to not go home, plus sitting at a fucking Applebee’s with an Updo is always great! Do you really think that hanging out in dresses and heels for six hours is enjoyable for anyone? Has it ever been?

7.Bridesmaids are only single in the movies.

You should be accommodating to other people’s relationships. Nothing is worse for a guy than having his girlfriend be in the wedding and him not being able to go along with. He’s stuck staring at a Google map trying to find the church while she’s in the limo texting him to bring her deodorant. He sits alone at the church, while she takes pictures with your husband’s cousin Tony from Jersey. She has to sit at the head table while her boyfriend gets to go sit with the other singles at table twelve, but hey, at least it’s the table nearest the desserts! This is not cool. You need to plan arrangements for the wedding parties’ other people.

8. The weeklong wedding.

Two weeks vacation doesn’t mean that a week of it gets donated to your wedding. You’re marrying the rich dude, not your bridesmaids. She has to be in town on Wednesday to get settled in, Thursday is nails and last minute errands, Friday is spray tanning and rehearsal dinner, Saturday is the wedding, and Sunday is brunch. You need to realize that people have lives. They have other things to do besides hold your hand while you play Princess Barbie for the week.

9.Who is paying for all this?

Not the wedding, but all the other stuff! The bachelorette party is out of town for two nights, the engagement party is on a Wednesday afternoon, the bridal shower is at a sit down fancy restaurant, and the dress fitting is three hours away! Not to mention all the gifts that are expected to accompany all of this bullshit! It’s fucking insane! Your girlfriends are broke and you know this, yet you still expect them to get a second job (because that’s what it takes) to bankroll the eight months of activities leading up to your wedding day? This is what the C-word was invented for.

10.Weddings are depressing for bridesmaids.

 Remember how you felt during the last five that you were in? You were happy for your girl for about thirty minutes at the church, sad during the dinner realizing that your current boyfriend is a dickhead and was probably never going to ask you to marry him, and then you got hammered for the rest of the evening, before waking up and hating yourself in the morning for hooking up with Tony from Jersey, gross.

Weddings are mostly lots of work, unless you’re a guy. So think about what you liked and didn’t like from the weddings that you’ve been a part of, and make your own wedding a day to enjoy for all.

WJNTY-Daryl

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