I Swear to Tell the Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth, So Help the Vagina

We’ve been blogging at WJNTY every single Monday since sometime back in 2009. We’ve grown, expanded even. We have podcasts, YouTube videos, a book about to be released and twice as many blogs as before. We have the Monday blog, which I (Daryl) do, and the Thursday blog, which is Seth’s blog day. I love coming up with the new blog topics each week, and sometimes, if I’m lucky, my real life presents the topics for me. Todays blog is from way back in the day, in the very beginning of WJNTY, and although most times I’d like to completely rework them, I usually won’t. I realize that some of my old blogs are actually my favorites mostly for the fact that you can look back and clearly see the progression of it all. So here is an old gem for you.

Here’s the question, “Why Would I WANT To Meet Your Mother?!”

Here’s the thing, of course dating often leads to meeting Mothers, but I’d found the loop hole to avoiding that awful ordeal… the secret cheat code in dating land which kept me from ever having to meet them.

You may be thinking, “Why wouldn’t you want to meet her Mother?”

Um, I ask you again,

“Why Would I WANT to Meet her Mother?!”

So, I’ve been dating a bit. Yes, that’s right, the author of WJNTY does go on dates! In the middle of writing, re-writing and blogging, I guess I’d grown a bit sick of my old keyboard. I needed a change of scenery. So I started dating again. This week’s blog is about how simple dating really is. How little work it actually takes when you’re ready for it, and why, if it seems difficult to you, it’s probably your own fault. Dating is easy, finding love is even easier, and so is making it last.

 I feel like the very first guy who figured out how to beat Contra’s last level on Nintendo. First blow into the game cartridge and then use the cheat code. See, once you learn all the tricks it’s very easy. The up-up-down-down cheat code is all you really need. If you still can’t win that game with unlimited lives, then you probably just suck at video games, sorry yo.

 I have a dating cheat code that I’ll share with you in just a bit. Dating can be very tricky and we could all use a secret code to help us get to that next level. I needed it too! I hadn’t had a girlfriend in almost two years, so I’ll be the first one to admit that yeah, I was a bit rusty. Two years ago, the girlfriend I had told me,

 “If you don’t get me a ring by Christmas, I’m leaving you.”

It was August at this point. I thought about it for a few days and told her that I didn’t really see that happening.

 Well… she left.

 I decided right then and there that I wouldn’t get serious with anybody else for a very long time, until I was ready. I felt bad that she felt so let down, and so for over two years I kept that promise to myself. I didn’t want to have a girlfriend or a wife, and I didn’t want to be a boyfriend or a husband. Most of all, I didn’t want to pretend to like things, that I didn’t really care about.

So I played the super single guy and just like a moth to a flame, the crazy girls came out of hiding. I dodged them the best I could.

 I wasn’t interested and I was way over acting fake for anybody. I was done pretending to be flattered by silly girls. Was I supposed to be impressed because they had a push up bra and boobs? Wow, great! As they danced around half naked with the other drunken girls, I simply yawned. As far as I was concerned they were sloppy girls who tasted like Jagger and Marlboro lights, I wasn’t into it.

 I waited and I watched, I played witness to my buddies; all of them now stuck paying the heavy fee for having chased after the young, sort of pretty, tight bodied, eye liner obsessed (Clinique High Impact Mascara is all you need ladies), team Edward cheering, Facebook stalking, push–up bra buying, immature hateful little hussies.

 Phew, that felt good to get that out!

 I tell ya nothing but trouble they were! Yes, Ray LaMontagne I agree with you, it was all trouble! Their relationship problems were always the same. The guys were trying to take these girls, who were way too young and more concerned with playing dress up, and tried to make them into real life Queens.

Good luck with that one! That’s like trying to get Lady Gaga to show us her penis, come on just a tiny little peek? Well the thing is, sometimes that pretty, pretty, princess still has some major growing up to do. And other times she has lots and lots of growing up left to do. You’ve heard that old saying, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife?” Well you also can’t turn a princess into a queen. That shit has to happen naturally on its own, over years and years.

 When you glanced around the room the confusing part was that they all looked like grown women! They dressed like grown women and danced like grown women! But if you looked a bit closer, if you stared deep beneath their orange self-tanner hue, into their smokey eyes, you’d see that many of them were still 16 inside their silly heads. What I’d realized from watching my friends with these messy girls was that all these scallywags were fucking brilliant! See, they knew not to take it too seriously with the boys, they also knew that in the course of this MTV drama styled life, if they were hot, that was more then enough! There was no need to worry about much actually, because boys would do almost anything for the chance to play Doctor with them.

 “But wait, what if I have two boys that both want to play Doctor with me?”

 “Will they fight for me?”

 Easy Bella,

 The thing was it didn’t really matter how hard we tried to make these young girls to snap back to reality, because their world of L.C., vampires, and Sarah Jessica Parker kept getting them high on love and ego!

 Well, like I’d said before, I stayed out of it. I gave up on silly girls, no more for me; I cashed in all my chips, and swore that I’d never play another hand until I was really ready, for real this time. I of course had some slip ups here and there, but I didn’t let myself get even close to having a girlfriend the entire time! I was done. I even gave up sex… gasp.

 Remember how I said I was going to tell my cheat code? Ok so this is what I figured out, you may realize right away that this is not some new revelation, but to me, it was so very simple. You want to know how to make a relationship work?

Pick somebody cool. Not could be cool, not sometimes cool, and not most of the time cool. Pick someone that is cool.

 I told you it wasn’t amazing news, but it is that easy. All relationships have two time bombs that can go ka-boom at any minute, one is intentions and the other is compromise. If you can be honest about your intentions and never compromise you will be happy.

 Intentions are simple. What the fuck do you want? Not what do you think you may want or what would be nice.  Plain and simple, what the fuck do you want? If it’s marriage, then say that. If it’s just for some sex, then say that. But the second that you’re not honest about your true intentions, it’s all headed to being over!

 I put it to the test. For two whole years I gave up the ability to bullshit and sweet talk girls. I just stopped. I refused to let it go any further then even holding hands without first telling them my true intentions.

 A. I don’t want a girlfriend, and as sweet and as pretty as you are, I promise you that you will never be my girlfriend, and I won’t fall in love with you.

 B. I’m not a liar so I refuse to pretend for you, even just to make you feel better. Look, you’ve been led on by boys your whole life, I promise to shoot you straight even if it stings a bit.

 C. Take it or leave it, this is me.

 Well, although it wasn’t very pretty, it was completely honest. I’ll tell you what happened in just a second, but first I want to tell you about that other time bomb, “Compromises.” Compromises will kill your relationship every time. You know what they call people who compromise?

 Divorced

 Look, you know yourself better than anyone else does; you know what’s cool for you, and what’s not. You can’t bend so much that you become some altered version of yourself. When that happens you’ll begin to hate yourself for bending in the first place. What’s wrong with being picky? What’s wrong with having standards? What’s wrong with wanting to be happy? When did being honest become… wrong?

 My buddies were fucking idiots. They were sweet talking girls into bed and then spending years fighting with them after that. On again, off again, on again. The fights all boiled down to the same problem, the girls were constantly being disappointed whenever the boys showed glimpses of their true colors, true colors that were always there,  just hidden under the polo shirts and scent of Drakkar. Not me though, because I found the secret code. It was all very simple.

 Just be honest.

Sure there were girls that wanted nothing to do with me, especially once I stated my house rules. That was all right though, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone, and I especially didn’t want to waste anybody’s time. Of course I had more than a few girls over those two years that told me I was the most honest guy they’d ever met. They would thank me for being up front with them, and not leading them on. Guess what else? No break ups, no fighting, no games, and no stress.

 Was it perfect? Well for me at the time, yeah it was. Though I’m sure that a few of those girls thought they could maybe change me, or thought that I was the ultimate challenge. Most of them seemed to realize that I was actually just a really great guy, who refused to bullshit them.

 Fast forward to now.

 I’ve learned what I want and don’t want from a relationship, and what I will, and won’t accept in a woman. I decided that I wouldn’t get into a new relationship until I found a girl who was cool with that. Well… I’ve been dating now, like I said earlier, and it’s never been easier, happier, or healthier.

 I’ll save the fun details for another blog but I’ll leave you with this.

 You’ve got two choices…  you can find someone who thinks you’re “cool” or someone who’s “cool” with you.

Guess which one will last?

WJNTY - Daryl
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