I Did It... A Cautionary Tale

Remember when OJ Simpson wrote a book called I Did it? Well, it got pulled off the shelves of bookstores across the country, two nights before it was to be released. Not that OJ ever did it, but if he did, he was going to explain exactly how it would have gone down. This blog is going to be a bit like that. Except I never killed anyone, or drove a white bronco. So let me preface this one with this…

One: Here at WJNTY, we strive to give our readers the most honest, hard hitting, no bullshit material out there, and cheating, although a very sore subject for many is one that is rarely honestly written about.

B: I’ve never cheated on anyone. And that’s the truth. I just don’t believe in it. I feel that if you really feel the need to become exclusive with one other person, and hold their heart in your hand, you carry with that the responsibility to be faithful to that one person. You wanted, and asked for the relationship, now you should obey the rules and deal with what comes with it. No one forced you into your current situation (unless it was a shotgun wedding).

And Three: I’ve been cheated on 5 times (that I know of)… it sucks. Three of them I took back only to be broken up with down the line anyway. So I have some experience in the town of Cheatsville, population 70% of my exes.

            I was talking to Daryl the other day about a particular relationship from my past. He asked if I could have done anything different, what it would have been? “Cheated,” I replied. “I would have cheated on her.” I don’t think it was the answer he was looking for. Now, it wasn’t that she was a bad person, and I don’t believe anyone deserves that kind of treatment in a relationship, however, I think I knew for a long time that the relationship was doomed for disaster. This relationship took place in my prime ass getting years, and therefore, I believe I passed on quite a few great stories because of my genuine good heart. In fact, at one point during this relationship, I had to run out of the house of a girl undressing herself, and I turned down a threesome as well. Those decisions were simple at the time. I was in a relationship, what other choice did I have? But if I knew then what I know now, I would have definitely pounced on those opportunities.

            I think a lot of people are dumb cheaters though. And contrary to popular belief and everything “they” say, it’s never really about the person they cheated with. But always about the person they cheated on. There has to be something wrong with your relationship, something missing, to look towards infidelity for the cure to unhappiness. People don’t just cheat for the hell of it, and if you were really, truly, 100% happy with your relationship, you wouldn’t cheat. I don’t care how much chemistry you thought you felt with that guy on Spring Break. He wouldn’t even show up as a blip on your screen if there weren’t something else going on behind the scenes.

            There are many reasons for cheating, and it will forever be the worst relationship issue most of us will have to deal with. I don’t believe there’s a cure to this plague, so as the Romans say; if you can’t beat them, join them… Here’s a top ten list of stupid things you shouldn’t do while you’re being stupid. Like I said, I've never done it... but if I did, these are the things I would make sure to avoid, so I didn't get caught.

           

1: Don’t cheat with someone in your social circle

            How dumb do you have to be to cheat with your boyfriend’s friend? Do you really think that they will have more allegiance to your vagina than their bro? No, they won’t, and eventually they’ll say something and ruin the entire social circle for everyone involved. You’ll be to blame for breaking up the “crew,” and forever cast out as a slut by the girls and a laughing stock by the guys. The guys will continue being friends after about a 3-month break. You’ll probably lose everything.

2: Don’t cheat on vacation

            When you get back, your boyfriend is going to ask how everything was? What was your favorite part? Did you meet anyone cool? Did you have any crazy adventures? Drunken stories? You will have to answer every question with some sort of lie. And that will suck, because now not only are you a cheater, but you’re a liar as well. Now you’re hiding pictures, dragging girlfriends in on elaborate made-up stories and omitting entire nights from your vacation. You better be a great storyteller to get through this one.

3: Don’t cheat when they’re out of town

            It would seem like a good idea to put as much distance between your boyfriend and your lover, but you just couldn’t handle that, so you had to go and fuck in your backyard (no pun intended), didn’t you. Well, now you have the great opportunity to run into your lover with your boyfriend at any number of daily errands or social events. Way to put yourself into an awkward position, especially when they hit it off and become friends!

4. Don’t bang your hired help

            Pool boy is the classic example. Could be the mailman, gardener, painter, the guy who checks your plumbing, or changes your oil. Whoever it is, if you’re paying them to do a job, there’s no need to throw in a tip too. And remember, every transaction leaves a paper trail. And if you’re living with your guy and he pays the bills, this could be one of the worst situations for a guy ever to be in. He’s basically paying someone to fuck his girl. Awesome.

5. Never put your lover’s name in your phone as a girl’s name

            If I ever cheated, the new girl's number would never go in my phone as "Mike," "Bill," or "Trey." Why? Because I would never have a friend named "Trey." We know this trick. And we can tell very easily if it’s a man or woman on the other end of the conversation (text or phone). Oh, and you’re about as good of an actress as Kristin  Stewart... "


"I mean he's like a werewolf, and so, he like, doesn't have like, hair... or whatever, on his, muscles... he has muscles, like on his body or like, whatever?"


It’s just a sure fire way to lead to questioning. And you don’t want complicated questions when you’re trying to get out of the house to go bang someone else.

6. Don’t cheat on your boy with a girl

            Want to really hurt your boyfriend? Just a quick, “You weren’t good enough so I started hitting it with Jimmy…” isn’t good enough? Try, “You were so bad that I had to start fucking women.” That will really let him know he was a failure in both the relationship and at life. Good luck picking up those pieces.

7. Don’t hook up with anyone who works in the nightlife industry

            Everyone knows everyone. Even in a large city. They have no life outside of their bar, or the one they go to on their night off, and for this reason, they love drama. Also, they couldn’t care less about normal people and their normal feelings, because normal people don’t tip very well. They’ll be the first to tell your boy the next time he walks in to order a beer. And they won’t care, because there is a line of girls out the door who will blow them if you wont. And if they don’t tell him, one of the skanky cocktail waitresses will, just out of spite, to get back at you for trying to get into their circle.

8. Don’t cheat with anyone who is addicted to their twitter account

            We all saw what happened to Tiger, Weiner, Kobe, Ashton, and Arnold just to mention a few. People like to tweet everything these days. And although most of it is pointless #hashtagging or mundane happenings in their day, every once in awhile, this tweet–aholic, will have something exciting to write about (i.e. a crazy, unplanned, drunken hookup) and next thing you know, you’re trending, #whore.

9. Make sure your cell phone is nowhere near you when you are in the act

            I’ve had two of my past girlfriends speed dial their parents while we were doing the no pants dance. Want to talk about an awkward Thanksgiving? Have you ever listened to yourself have sex through a message machine? It’s not a great experience. Now of course this was back in the day of cell phones with buttons and land lines, but still, it seems that your phone sometimes has a mind of its own, and if it’s going to make a call on its own, it will inevitably make that call to the one person who you don’t want to take it. Trust me. That’s a Men’s Warehouse guarantee!

10. Don’t join a dating site with the mindset of cheating

            With the exception of Ashley Madison, these dating sites are actually made for people to find love, not be the recipient of your unhappiness. This will only give them one more reason to hate the world of dating. Plus, if your situation is so bad that you have to resort to dating sites to find someone to cheat with, there’s a good chance that your boy is doing it too. How cool would that be if you found each other’s profiles?! Maybe you both like Pina Colada’s? Or like getting caught in the rain?

            The only true way to avoid the cheating situation is to cut it off from the beginning. Never even give yourself the chance to have your top off in a hotel room, wondering if you’re doing something wrong. Intentions are the way to go here. Make sure you share your relationship status within the first ten min of conversation. Not like, hinting at the fact that you’re not single, but rather tossing your boyfriend’s name in the conversation. I always tell girls that there are only three ways to go from here: One: He leaves the conversation because he really just wanted to bang you. Two: He’s so confident that it didn’t even register in his head that a boyfriend might stop him from being able to bang you. And three: He’s gay and couldn’t care less that you have a boyfriend, because he’s disgusted by the idea of banging you. You’ll be able to tell fairly quickly which situation you’ve found yourself in.

            People always try to define cheating. It’s a tough one. But I say cheating is: Anything you do with another person, that you would not be comfortable doing if your significant other was in the same room.


This changes with every relationship, and every different level of open communication. Just think about that definition next time you’re wondering if you are cheating or not…

            So the point of all of this, is that there’s not really a good situation to be cheating in. If you can’t do it on vacation, or with hired help, with anyone who has a cell phone or a job, then whom can you do it with? Well the answer is no one. In a survey that I never started, I found out that 85% of people, who cheat, get caught. Now that’s a pretty high percentage for a completely made up statistic! And I would hedge a huge bet that the intoxicating feeling of cheating, doesn’t even compare to the horrible feeling of being caught. So when it really comes down to it, it’s just not worth it. Which is why I did NOT do it!

WJNTY – Seth
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Author's note: If you think I'm talking about you in this blog, I'm not... I'm talking about her. She knows who she is.