Crazy Carrie in the Closet.

Have you ever had your own relationship fall apart because your best friend’s was? Well, I have, and it was a good lesson in friendships, naps and misperceptions.

I had this friend who was going through a rough patch, his life was good but his relationship with his girl, not so much, ever been there before? Me too!

So here’s the back story: His longtime girlfriend (who’d begged him for a ring and of course got it) all of the sudden decided that she hadn’t “lived” her life enough yet, and so she set out to collect some exciting stories that she could NEVER tell to her grand-kids.

So off to Jamaica she went. No, her name was not Stella.

Well, apparently one drink led to another, which then led to sex with some dude on a beach. We didn’t find this out right away though. All we knew at the time was that her and her pretty ring ran off to Jamaica, without him, to “find” herself and do some seriously fuc... um thinking. 

So now you know his back-story.

My story was that I was living in a church (way longer story) with my girlfriend at the time, whose name was Carrie. She and I were doing well and had a pretty good relationship going at the time. Well, at least I thought that we did.


 I mean yes we were living together in sin, in a church, which makes it a tiny bit worse probably... and we weren't even a little close to getting married, but I wouldn’t say that we had the whole deck stacked against us? I mean after all, I was taking care of the church, so you’d think I’d get a free pass of some sort for doing that, right?

It’s a reminder though that sometimes even if you didn’t do anything wrong, you still can be found guilty by the crazy girlfriend court.

So my friend Mike was really in need of a buddy to lean on during this time. He really got the bad end of the whole deal. He didn't get to go have sex in Jamaica. He’d also been away from the dating scene for so long now that he didn’t know where to even start.


 Of course I had a girlfriend, but I guess he saw me as the most logical choice to play wingman for him in this dark time. Hey that's what friends are for. 


 I started him off real slow. "We" still didn’t know for sure if she’d cheated on him or not, (I did, but he wouldn’t listen to me) still I didn’t want him to go out and do anything crazy like end up with a baby, or even worse another shitty girlfriend! So in order to prepare him for the scary bar scene again, we first had to train. We began to go to this ping-pong place every day after work. We’d play a few games, bitch about our girlfriends and drink a little beer. Baby steps. Usually at least once every game we’d try and figure out what really happened down there  in Jamaica... in her pants.

-scene at our ping-pong table in the corner-

Mike: Do you think that she fucked someone down there?

Me: Yes.

Mike: I don’t think that she would do that...

Me: Well, she did.

Mike: Do you think she’ll ever come back to me?

Me: What? Are you fuckin...

Mike: Your serve... but do you REALLY think that she had sex, I mean really?

Me: Dude…

-repeat this scene everyday for two months-

So one day I get this call from him and he says to meet him at the place we play. I walk over there to the ping-pong club and he’s standing with two of the sketchiest, scallywag looking girls that I’ve ever seen in my entire life. 


Like a Snooki, J-woww clone, except add in a midwest beer gut and much cheaper extensions.


 Remember, this was a few years before that whore-shore was ever put on the map. Still, their makeup was all over the place, boobs were popping out, roots showing, and awful heels in animal print. I mean really? Who the fuck plays ping-pong in heels? I half expected him to hit me up for some cash. But instead he leaned in and whispered,

Mike: Hey, is Carrie home?

Me: No, but I just had the furniture cleaned.

Mike: Come on, let’s take these girls over there, hang out, and have a drink.

Me: It’s Tuesday and I live in a fucking church, plus what if it starts on fire when they walk in?

Mike: Please man… I need this.

Me: Shit.

So we walked over to my place. How did I get myself into this mess? I was trying to be a good friend, that's how. Besides Carrie was at work till five, so as long as I had these scallywags out of there by four, I figured we'd be fine. Once in the house I made everyone a drink and we all sat down in the living room. Within a couple minutes time he was already kissing on skank#2. This was not in the handbook! I felt like I was back at some basement high school party, OMG did he just tongue kiss her? While this was happening skank#1 moved in closer, now she was sitting right next to me… they were like valasoraptor's!

Skank #1: Hi

Me: Hey

Skank #1: You’re cute!

Me: I don’t carry cash...

Skank#1: You’re funny (And then she leaned in, I think to give me the Clap!)

Me: Ok, Mike I got shit to do buddy, sorry guys, I need to get some stuff done.

Skank#1: OMG, ha ha, you’re so scared of me, I not going to try and Fuck you silly!

Me: No, I know that, it's just I need to…

Skank#1: Oh, what, you don’t want to fuck me?

Me: Mike, really!?

Skank#1: I bet you wouldn’t turn down a blowjob though; I’m great at them!
Skank#2: It's true she is...

Now you see why I didn’t even give these girls proper names for this story? You thought that "skank" was a little harsh, didn't you? These girls were so gross, I was actually beginning to worry that Mike was catching the herp right there as he sat tongue kissing skank#2, and now I was getting even more pissed off because I knew that I would have to get my couches cleaned... again!!!

You may be wondering why I didn’t just tell her that I had a girlfriend, right? Well, one, she didn’t strike me as the type of girl who would care, and two, I was still trying to play my part for my down in the dumps, heartbroken, might now have the herpes, didn't get to have any sex down in Jamaica, best buddy.


Finally, I couldn’t take it any more so out the door the hoes went. Game over! As I shut the door on the three of them, I heard a voice scream out,


“YOU ASSHOLE!!!”

What the hell?

It was Carrie.

Carrie: I was in the closet the whole time, I heard everything! You’re such an assho…

Me: Wait, what the fuck were you doing in the closet?

Carrie: I heard you coming in with some girls so I jumped in the hall closet, I wanted to see what the hell you were doing!

Me: What? What does that even mean? What did you think I would do?

Here’s the crazy part, the dirty girls and Mike were over at my place for at least an hour if not longer. I asked her how long she planned to stay in there and she told me that she'd actually fallen asleep! Over an hour in the hall coat closet! 


Crazy Carrie in the Closet.

Well, even though I didn’t technically do anything wrong, she was super paranoid after that whole closet deal happened, but so was I! I started looking under the bed, in the drawers, under the sink… wherever I thought she could be lurking. 


Our relationship soon fell apart just a short time after that. She actually cheated on me, which is another great story for a different day. Mike did not get the herpes thank goodness, and soon after that he got back with his girl, just long enough to marry her and then divorce her when she pulled that bullshit again.

I learned a good lesson from all of it though. If a girl is willing to spend over an hour in a coat closet just to catch you being shady, the relationship is pretty much over from that moment on. Also, never believe an orange girl in heels when she says she wants to play ping-pong with you. She’s lying, and really just wants a chance to tongue kiss you in a church!

WJNTY-Daryl
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