Fashion Sensibility

This past spring and summer, I wrote two fashion articles called Fashion Sense and Fashion Sensitivity, the former about fashions guys hated and the latter about fashions we love. They both received great press (some good, mostly bad) and they kick started my now illustrious fashion career starting with a simple phone call from Mr. Versace himself (yes, I realize he’s dead. It was a call from above…) calling me the modern day Mugatu with better hair. So this fall, the calls came flooding into write a fall/winter version of the piece. So without further delay, here are 8 great rules to follow this winter season…

-Don’t Wear Sweatpants

            You shouldn’t wear sweatpants lounging around the house. It’s sloppy. Katy Perry doesn’t wear sweatpants while lounging around her mansion. Never. That’s just one of the great things that keep her and superhunk, Aldous Snow, together. Katy Perry’s awesome, and she’s good at staying in a relationship. Now, don’t look at the sweatpants as the real problem, look behind the sweatpants. What do you see? That’s right, it’s Katy Perry’s… will, to never get complacent & lose the original things that made the relationship great. She wants to always impress her hubby, and you should always want to impress your man. Do you think the un-showered, oversize t-shirt, baggy sweatpants wearing version of you turns him on? You’re supposed to be making him think of fireworks, not clipping coupons. Class it up a little, at least let him see your curves, and remind him why he still gets turned on by you. It’s rumored that Brad left Jen because of too many Sunday morning sweatpants parties…

-Rainboots are Awesome

            These are the cutest things on little boys and girls. Running around, splashing around in puddles and laughing. Sometimes rain sucks, but have you ever not gotten enjoyment from splashing around in puddles? So now they make these in big girl sizes, in way cool designs and even in cowboy boot shapes! They’ve got the 3 F’s of fashion: Functional, flashy, and… um… fashionable. Pick yourself up a few pairs for the grueling winter and show off without ruining your Uggs. Speaking of Uggs, if you are a guy and not an Australian surfer or author of WJNTY, I don’t care if they feel like a bunch of rabbits fighting to keep your toes warm, these are not meant for you.

-Choose Your Headgear Wisely

            This one’s very important. It’s not everyday of the year that you get to throw your hair into pigtails and toss a hat on. But with so many varieties, how do you know which ones to rock, and which ones to shy away from? Well, there’s only 4 types of winter headwear as far as I’m concerned:

            The Standard Beanie – Classic and warm. This will get you through most any situation this winter, is more or less acceptable indoors, and you don’t have to spend too much time doing your hair, but still get to have people comment on how good it looks. You can buy one in any color to coordinate with just about any outfit, and all for pretty cheap. Site Note: Seriously southern girl who’s never seen snow before, a toboggan is for sledding down a hill, not something you put on your head. Can someone explain this to me?

           

            Fur on your head – Now, I can understand a well-made fur hat that might have been your grandmothers, but these new, chincy, faux animal fur woodsman’s hats that are all the rage? Please. These are going to be one of the things that we look back 20 years from now and say, “What were we thinking?” It was cool when like 4 kids had those, now that every other college girl is rocking one and sighting warmth as the reason. They are getting as bad as uggs with skirts.

           

            Santa Hats – Only to be warn if you’re not wearing much else. Then these are awesome. Or if you’re on a beach, then it’s acceptable as well.

           

            Ear Muffs – Do you really like your hair that much? These are so impractical. You lose 80% of your body’s heat through your head, not your ears. And your nose gets cold just as fast as your ears, so shouldn’t you have a cover for that too? Just stop trying to be so cool and by a beanie already. Unless you’re trying to bring back the 80’s. And if you are, bring me back Patrick Swayze and leave the muffs. Thanks.

-Your tall, skinny, non-fat, soy, peppermint, mocha latte with whipped cream and two cups… is gross

            You’re holding up my order, stop it. Can’t anyone just drink coffee anymore? It’s not, “How do you take your coffee?” Anymore. No, we had to add in flavors, and sprigs, and other machines, and berries, and chocolate and time. I know you like it, but try to simplify your order a little. Especially when it’s cold outside and the lines are wicked long. If you’re trying to pick up a guy in a coffee shop, he’ll be impressed by your simple order, and your pension for drinking your coffee and throwing it away rather than turning your paper Starbucks cup into an accessory. I’m very simple in the coffee shop; after all these years, I still like my coffee like I like my women… Hot.

-Turtlenecks Are Not Even Funny as a Joke

            Unless you are wearing this turtleneck with a gold chain and about to pump out yet another youTube sensational hit, please don’t wear these. I guess it’s appropriate under a one-piece ski suit as well, but really, what isn’t. I had a teacher in high school that always wore a turtleneck, even in the summer, and it really creeped me out. What are you trying to hide, you crazy English lit teacher!? These went out of style long ago, no matter what the lady at Burlington coat factory tries to tell you. We need to make a Facebook group, “Save the sexy, get rid of turtlenecks.”

-It’s Ugly Christmas Sweater Season

            Best holiday parties ever. Well, they were until this year. Now everyone’s doing them. It’s not cool once everyone figures out what’s going on. I remember two and three years ago when there was a real art to finding a really ugly Christmas sweater. Now you can pick up one at target on the way to the party. So if you’re going to get one this year, search the antique depots and thrift stores near nursing homes. In fact, do some volunteering at a nursing home and snag an original. Then you have a winning sweater and a great story about stealing from old people to go along with it. In fact, if I see a mass-produced ugly sweater at a holiday party this year, I’ll probably spill eggnog on it.

-Your Mittens Don’t Need to Accomplish Two Things

Mittens that are also gloves are stupid, and they don’t really do either job very well. Listen, I’m 28 years old, do you really think you’re going to catch me walking around a park wearing glove-mittens? I don’t think so! If your name isn’t Marv or Harry and you’re not part of the wet bandits you have no practical use for these. They had nail boards and paint cans, tar & feathers and hot stoves to dodge, all while chasing after a heathen of a child. They needed the versatility of a glove-mitten, you don’t. Mittens are always cuter than gloves anyway, I don’t know why, they just are. So hook yourself up with some sweet woven ones for the cold days and keep them stashed in that luggage you carry around with you every day.

-Puffy Jackets WERE All The Rage

            I think it’s safe to say that these blobs of warmness have worn out their welcome. I remember back in the day when they became all the rage. I didn’t even know what they were, but my cousin (3 years older) bought me a black and green north face that was at least two sizes too big. I loved it, but the mean kids at my school didn’t, and they figured it was fair game to throw me around like a pinball in the hallway. Once they got board with that, they would just stab at me with pens. It sucks walking across campus in the wind, with a trail of feathers blowing around behind you. You look like a mad Donald Duck. Now, that kind of behavior hasn’t happened in the forthcoming years since they’ve become popular, but leave the puffy stuff to vests and comforters. Get yourself a pea coat or leather jacket to roll around in everyday. You don’t always have to leave the house prepared to climb a mountain.

            So this season, while you’re drinking warm apple cider, enjoying snow days, hitting the slopes, or making out with your coworker at a holiday party, just remember, winter’s a time to bundle up and stay warm. Focus on looking cute rather than hot, and mix it up with some clothes you don’t get to wear for the majority of the year. Have fun with it, stick to the rules above and you’ll breeze through the season like the tiny unique snowflake that you’re not…

WJNTY - Seth