The 90’s Taught Me Everything I Know About Love…

When you look around at the state of relationships these days, it’s easy to see that things are very complicated. Everything, it seems, is more complicated than EVER before. We don’t write letters anymore, we write on walls, we carry around multiple tiny screens with us, and our phones have no wires. We watch other people’s families for entertainment; we watch them get married, go on their vacations, and even get divorced. We watch “Situations” as they happen, and “Snooki’s” as they self-destruct. It was all so much easier before.

But when exactly was “before?”

That’s simple. For me it is anyway. I see the world in two different time periods, before 1996, and after 1996.

That’s when I first learned about love; 1996. Love was everywhere, and having crushes was huge. Would you like to hear my top ten most important lessons I learned about love from the 90’s?

You got it dude!

1.  You were only allowed to sleep with ONE friend in your circle. That’s the rule.

Can you imagine it?? Today’s girls have it made. They can sleep with one, two, even three of their guy friends, all from the same circle, and nobody really bats an eye. This wasn’t always the case though. Ross and Rachel are the perfect example of this, even when Rachel tried to date Joey, it didn’t last. Still, she tried to break that rule. Bad idea. I believe it was because of her going for Joey (behind Ross’s back mind you) that kept guys in real life from wanting to date her seriously. There are rules to it, and I’m sorry but if you break them, you end up having to date John Mayer. Elaine knew this; that’s why she dated Jerry, but never Kramer or George. Rebecca “Becky” Donaldson didn’t mess around with Joey, or Danny Tanner, she was fucking Uncle Jessie… Have Mercy! Even the guys followed the rules. Zack could bang any girl in the entire school, all of them if he wanted, except Lisa or Jessie. Rules are rules. The only 90’s show that broke this rule was 90210 but let's be honest, they were a bunch of scallywag whores.

2. The nice guy always wins!

Think about it… Tom Cruise? Keanu Reeves? Jerry Maguire? Tom Hanks? They always got the girl! Even when Jenny caught the “AIDS” Forrest still got a billion dollars from Apple. See, the nice guy wins again. If you were a rich businessman like say, Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) you could actually pay your hooker to quit hooking!  Such a nice guy! So he got the girl of course, never mind that he liked hookers! Even if you died, it didn’t matter, if you were a nice guy you could find yourself a black lady with dreads, and she’d help you make out with your lady one last time! Speaking of black people we loved us some Fresh Prince, I mean LOVED him!  I’m serious once upon a time, before Hitch and before he pushed his might-as-well-be-white, no talent, annoying, performer children on us, he played himself in every single movie that he made, and we didn’t even care. I’m telling you, nice guys could not lose… except Dawson.

3.  Jordan Catalano was fucking beautiful, and even for guys he was an acceptable male crush to have, no homo.

4. Every girl was good looking.

Topanga, Blossom, Clarissa, even Kimmy Gibbler were all considered "good looking." Were there hot girls? Sure. Scary, Baby, Posh, and Ginger were all considered hot girls, oh yeah and Sporty Spice too… if you played lacrosse or softball.

5. We didn’t care a thing about Internet porn. 
We didn’t need it, we had a girl named Britney Spears.

6. Girls loved musicians too, any musician, even the dirty ones. 

The Counting Crows dude banged both of the hot girls from “Friends” (No, not Phoebe). Sporting a Mr. Rodgers sweater could get you some girls, but a sure thing was saying that you loved Dave Matthews; that shit would get you laid, but you had to listen to Crash about fifty times in a row. When bands came to town girls didn’t just fuck the lead singers, those days were over, now everyone had a shot… even the fat back up singers. Yes, even Joey Fatone got laid.

7. Hot girls killed vampires.

 They didn’t try and bang them. Buffy the Vampire Slayer had it right. Although to be fair, the vampires in the 90’s didn’t have P90X yet, so the whole sexy vampire with  “Stackhouse” abs, wasn’t really a deciding factor.

8.Safe sex was very important. 

TLC wore condoms all over their clothes. It was ok to “creep” but you’d better wrap it. Somehow Magic Johnson didn’t get the memo, he should have stuck to the rivers and the lakes he was used to.

9. I was in love with Brad.

 No, not Brad Pitt! Brad Taylor. She was a rich girl who trained horses and lived way out on a ranch somewhere, with an Indian guy named Danny, and a hot girl named Melody. Bradley was a complete bitch, but I loved her anyways. She is the reason today that I always fall for bitches. Hey Dude was my favorite TV show ever, and if you don’t know it, well that sucks for you.

10. If you were a gifted enough athlete then you could get away with murder. 

No, not get away with murder like Kobe, Big Ben, Tiger or Vick. I mean actual murder… like killing. Like you could actually kill your wife. Hit me baby one more time. Run, O.J. run! People actually ran out and bought white Ford broncos because of that high speed chase, crazy right?

We were all a bit crazy back then, but love was simpler, maybe not for Zack Morris, but for the rest of us, it was for sure.

WJNTY-Daryl

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