Feel it, Feel it, Come on, Come on...

Were do I even begin?

So once upon a time I was on a music tour for an American pop singer. I wasn’t singing on it or anything like that, I was running the daily meet and greets with the fans for her. Anyhow, as we traveled around the country I started dating her girlfriend Natalie, who was also her personal assistant for the tour. We hung out every night and she showed me the ropes of the Hollywood posh lifestyle.

When the tour was over they went back home to Los Angeles, and about a month’s time had passed when she called me up and invited me out to New York City. They had some one off show to do. It was a Bat Mitzvah for a little girl, and the theme was “Willy Wonka.”

It was a very over the top party, the whole place looked just like the chocolate factory. There was a full size gummy bear tree, a chocolate stream, a bunch of Oompa Loompas running around and of course a popular pop singer doing five of her hit songs for the party’s main event.

We were all dressed up to the nines. I can’t even guess what that party cost to put on. Tommy Hilfiger was there, the Duchess of York as well and a bunch of other people whom I didn’t recognize. So what do grown-ups do at a “Willy Wonka” Bat Mitzvah? Drink for free of course. So I had some drinks, many drinks, and I wandered around waiting for my chance to tell Mr. Hilfiger that I really just didn’t get his clothes, and why wasn’t he wearing a puffy jacket? I didn’t end up speaking with him though, but I did talk with the lady that was dressed up as the goose (or maybe it was a swan) who was on a perch laying her golden chocolate eggs, no shit! 

The songs were preformed, and the band was a hit. To celebrate her super easy payday the singer decided that we were all going to Nobu for some sushi. Nobu is an amazing place to go to dinner. Very celebrity friendly, very popular and not always the easiest place to get a table, but luckily for me I had a pop princess asking, and they usually got whatever the hell they wanted.

So we sat down. Natalie gave me a kiss; she told me that I looked as handsome as she’d ever seen me. She looked amazing too and I felt like a million bucks! Well actually I felt a bit drunk, but I felt like a million bucks too. It had already been an amazing night with much more hopefully to come. We were staying at the Four Seasons across the street from central park; it was very fancy, we even had a telescope in our room!

I can’t even tell you how big time I was feeling! Town cars, pop stars, Nobu, Oompa Loompas, pretty girls and foot tall eatable gummy bears!

So this was the good life that Kanye was singing about? I actually felt like I fit in, you know? Like I belonged here. I had arrived. People were coming up to our table to say hi, and I had a gorgeous woman holding my hand.

Nothing could ruin this night.

Nothing… except for maybe Marky fucking Mark.

So the tour manager (who is now one of my dearest friends) had been in the music business for a while, and he knew a lot of people. He was sitting across the table from us. It was one of those big round tables, I’m not sure if that helps you, but I’m trying to paint the whole scene. Well, so as I’m looking over the table, who is leaning down to say hello?

Yup, Marky.

Turns out that my friend was also his tour manager back in the day. As he introduces himself to the whole table, my penis started to cry. My penis already knew what I didn’t yet, that “we” didn’t stand a chance, against this real life-walking statue of David. He flashed his million dollar smile and in that bad boy accent said,

“Yo, Yo, Yo, it was wicked nice to meet you girls.”

Or however the hell he talks.

The girls were busy talking to each other, no doubt about him, when my buddy’s blackberry started vibrating on the table…

“D, Marky wants Natalie’s number!”

“What?! Don’t do it!” I begged him.

“Well what should I say,” he asked

“Um, say she’s with me!!!!”

“Fuck!”

“What’s wrong?” asked Natalie

“Nothing, eat your sushi”

“D, he just texted me again!”

I looked over and there was Marky holding his blackberry, he looks over his shoulder in my direction and flashed me smile.

Oh hell no!

I get up and go over to his table, and with help from every drop of alcohol that I’d already had that evening I say,

“Hey, where I come from that’s called being an dick! You don’t see that I’m sitting right next to her? Why are you being an asshole?”

“Excuse me? I’m sorry, what are you talking about bro?” He asked.

“The girl is with me, and you’re being a dick!” I informed him once again.

“Yo, what’s up with your boy?” he asked my friend.

I turned around and headed right outside, I guess I thought that’s where we’d settle it as men, though I think I’d forgotten to tell him to come along.

There were a bunch of smokers standing out there, and me. Smoke was now getting in my hair. Fuck New York City and fuck the funky bunch! I’d had enough.

My buddy comes outside and immediately starts laughing,

“Yo, you are tripping yo!” he said with a huge grin.

“Why are you so mad, he just wants to feel it, feel it, come on, come on.” He was dying laughing.

I decide that I can’t possibly go back into the restaurant. So I grab a cab and head to the hotel. The next thing I remember is waking up next to Natalie and trying to put my arm around her,

“Don’t touch me, you were a complete prick last night” she snipped.

“I came in and tried to hook up with you, but all you wanted to talk about was how you thought “Fear” was a shitty movie, and that you would have abs too if you shaved your body? What the hell were you talking about? What was your deal?” She demanded to know.

I told her the whole story, that I felt super insecure, and was afraid he’d steal her from me.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” she said.

Well, she did have a point there; I mean when you really think about it “Fear” is actually a pretty good movie.

WJNTY- Daryl